worn out
Dear Friend,
Sorry it has been so long since my last letter. I have had summer school at the seminary, and so my time has been limited to reading books and writing papers. I finished school yesterday (Monday) and I was excited to write you…I was not anticipating today though and so I am sorry for the direction this letter is about to go.
I feel like if I don’t write these words down my mind will be cluttered until I give them away…
You know, I can honestly say I love the church. The church is said to be the bride of Christ…
The bride…hmmm…
I’m not married yet and so I don’t fully understand the weight of the words ‘I do’ that make a wedding ceremony so special and powerful, but what I can say with honesty and passion is that ‘I do’ love Jesus and ‘I do’ love His church.
Sometimes though I have a hard time with this love. What I have a hard time with is when the very thing I love hurts me or hurts those around me. It makes it hard for me to be vulnerable…I am not talking about Jesus…by no means…rather I am talking about the church…you know…the people…
I feel like being apart of the church is sometimes like being apart of an abusive relationship…no matter how bad it gets you don’t want to leave…sometimes you feel like you can’t leave…other times you feel like the other person will eventually change…I sound like a hopeless romantic who secretly likes that movie Sweet Home Alabama (did I just say that out loud?).
As of a couple of months ago...I will be apart of another church that is getting started…I am serving alongside a few of the people that helped serve the last church that I was apart of starting.
It’s funny…probably more of a sarcastic funny…but when everything happened with the last church I vowed never again…never again would I be apart of a church…but over time my wounds have healed…there are still some open cuts and much healing to take place…but it is days like today when I experience spiteful Christians that I am reminded of the vow I once made.
This letter has been really hard to write because I have tried to be ambiguous when to be honest I really want to share details and names...my heart is just worn out over the way Christians treat other Christians.
But you know what...I can honestly say I love the church. Days like today, however, I wonder why.
Thanks for listening my friend. I would be grateful for your prayers.
heart.soul.mind.
kyle diroberts
Sorry it has been so long since my last letter. I have had summer school at the seminary, and so my time has been limited to reading books and writing papers. I finished school yesterday (Monday) and I was excited to write you…I was not anticipating today though and so I am sorry for the direction this letter is about to go.
I feel like if I don’t write these words down my mind will be cluttered until I give them away…
You know, I can honestly say I love the church. The church is said to be the bride of Christ…
The bride…hmmm…
I’m not married yet and so I don’t fully understand the weight of the words ‘I do’ that make a wedding ceremony so special and powerful, but what I can say with honesty and passion is that ‘I do’ love Jesus and ‘I do’ love His church.
Sometimes though I have a hard time with this love. What I have a hard time with is when the very thing I love hurts me or hurts those around me. It makes it hard for me to be vulnerable…I am not talking about Jesus…by no means…rather I am talking about the church…you know…the people…
I feel like being apart of the church is sometimes like being apart of an abusive relationship…no matter how bad it gets you don’t want to leave…sometimes you feel like you can’t leave…other times you feel like the other person will eventually change…I sound like a hopeless romantic who secretly likes that movie Sweet Home Alabama (did I just say that out loud?).
As of a couple of months ago...I will be apart of another church that is getting started…I am serving alongside a few of the people that helped serve the last church that I was apart of starting.
It’s funny…probably more of a sarcastic funny…but when everything happened with the last church I vowed never again…never again would I be apart of a church…but over time my wounds have healed…there are still some open cuts and much healing to take place…but it is days like today when I experience spiteful Christians that I am reminded of the vow I once made.
This letter has been really hard to write because I have tried to be ambiguous when to be honest I really want to share details and names...my heart is just worn out over the way Christians treat other Christians.
But you know what...I can honestly say I love the church. Days like today, however, I wonder why.
Thanks for listening my friend. I would be grateful for your prayers.
heart.soul.mind.
kyle diroberts
posted by Kyle DiRoberts at 11:02 PM
5 Comments:
Hmmm... never been much of a blogger- just normally read them. But I have to say that reading this brought much hurt/ frustration for the places you are and your heart but also a profound hope and excitement because your writing speaks volumes to a heart that is called. I understand that love for the church and honestly at times (or maybe most of the time?)wish it could just go away and leave me alone. But I have resolved that it most likely never will and that I will continue to feel the pursuing, drawing, and prodding of God regardless of the cost to the life I thought I'd have. I love and hate how passions draw on both ends of a continum of intense hurt and intense hope (and it seems sometimes we don't even get to pick our passions- God picks us up an puts us in it). I don't understand why God made it work that way, but I do know through my own wrestling with God over the past couple weeks that I sense more than ever God's fierce battle for the heart of "the church" as a whole and for the hearts of those who have been so messed up by the church. There could be so much more to that, but I'll leave it there and hope you know you're not alone even though it may feel very lonely.
Kyle,
I read your e-mail so I know what this is about. We'll talk very soon. You're right--Sometimes the bride is beautiful, charming, sexy, and thoughtful. Sometimes she's a hag and a bitch. Sometimes married love runs with unbridled passion and some days love limps along on the crutches of nothing more than commitment and the memory of vows taken. Then you heal and can walk without crutches.
Might even sprint occasionally. But regardless of love's speed or agility it continues to move forward. Forward.
Press On,
Ramon
Kyle - I know this same pain... and I'm sorry you're feeling it. What helped me the most in healing from the wounds of my brothers, was this beautiful book by Gene Edwards called "Crucified by Christians I think they renamed it "Exquisite Agony" but you should definitely read it. I promise God will heal your heart (and give you insight) with these words. LoveYA.
When Dan Kimball first told me about the title of his latest book, "They love Jesus but hate the Chuch", i said, "dude...you know what? me too." i felt instantly convicted about that bc i knew we were talking about the bride of Jesus and this is why i'm a little fearful of ever being too critical on any church...its the Bride we're talking about and i'm guessing that Jesus probably doesnt like it when people trash talk His Bride-us. That said, if youre in church long enough, at some point, sooner or later, youre going to get hurt. This is what we must have our allegiance to Jesus. Truth is, we're all Israel, we're just in different tribes and our real Enemy is the Philistines. But we do receive what i call "spiritual friendly fire" every now and then. But that cant deter us. I like this analogy. D-Day happened in the summer of 1944. When the Americans landed on the beaches of Normandy France everyone and their grandma (and cat) knew that the Nazis days were numbered, but the Nazis fought on. The war didnt officially end until another 11 months...nearly a year!!! Spiritual D-Day happened at the Resurrection but V-Day will not occur until the 2nd Coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ. So, meanwhile, we must fight on...against the real and only legit enemy, the Philistines (see Eph 6:12). Come quickly Lord and help us to manage our time, words, and efforts wisely. p.s. nice post dude.
I have recently been reading this book by Anthony Bourdain…the book is called Kitchen Confidential. At the very beginning of the book he talks about his love hate relationship with the cooking life…
“For me, the cooking life has been a long love affair, with moments both sublime and ridiculous. But like a love affair, looking back you remember the happy times best—the things that drew you in, attracted you in the first place, the things that kept you coming back for more. I hope I can give the reader a taste of those things and those times. I’ve never regretted the unexpected left turn that dropped me in the restaurant business. And I’ve long believed that good food, good eating, is all about risk. Whether we’re talking about unpasteurized Stilton, raw oysters or working for organized crime “associates,” food, for me, has always been an adventure.”
-page 5
My heart can taste those words…well, not all of them. There is no way I will ever eat raw oysters…but I have thought about organized crime and how that might be a possibility. -I wonder what my crime name would be??
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